Whole-wheat English muffins are poisoning your kids

Credit: Daniel Salgado

Hot, freshly buttered nooks and crannies. Salty spread turning to liquid gold. Farina powder the only sane thing holding this hot mess together.

You reach for a second but quickly hold yourself back. Be honest: you were going to devour both halves smushed together in two and a half bites. Then wash it down with a tall glass of milk. You’re starving. Your intermittent-fasting, paleo-eating, cheat-day self deserves this. But you decide to be an adult for once. You have an assortment of preserves in the fridge and some gravlax. Let’s fucking do this. [1]

In the beginning, there was Thomas

Supposedly Samuel Bath Thomas really did invent the English muffin. Interestingly, they were invented in New York City, and the English were supposedly unaware of their existence until the 1990s, though some dispute this.

Even funnier, according to once source they are marketed in the UK as “American muffins!”

My reaction to hearing about “American muffins”

Although apparently (and perhaps obviously) the ancestor to Thomas’ genius creation had been made for centuries (maybe longer?), it seems a global truth that the not-really-English English muffin was both novel and superior to its predecessor. I’ll go further: Thomas English muffins are better than any other English muffin under the sun.

How many times have supposedly great brunch spots tried to sneak a generic version under your Benedict? I bet you noticed.

From here on out let’s call those Canadian muffins.

Perhaps the best commercial ever

If it ain’t broke…

Some things are better left unchanged: Coca Cola, Van Halen. Another of those things is the classic English muffin.

Now let’s assume you’re going with Thomas. We all want to be healthy, so there’s an insidious temptation to suppress your biological urges. To put your natural self back in its prehistoric place, with all the glorious starvation and and unfulfilled desires that implies.

Especially for the kids. You’ve got to set a good example for them. And their little developing lifeforms need all the purest nutrients if they’re going to become the Soviet Olympians we’re all destined to be.

So you’re thinking of trying that Whole Wheat version. You already indulge them with cauli bread and vegan sugar-free mochi (the latter just on Sundays). So we don’t want to go crazy. I mean, what’s next? Seaweed chips made with non-virgin olive oil?!

But don’t give in. You’re about to poison your kids.

Ways whole wheat muffins poison kids… on life

If you’re the kind of person who wants your kids to grow up cold inside, then stop reading. Otherwise, peruse these fun facts about the serious damage non-standard English muffins might do to your precious mini humans:

  1. Lead them to hate people named Thomas. [3]
  2. Instill their palates with an appreciation for how yeast-tinged bitterness combines with other flavors (spoiler: not well).
  3. Plaster their insides with extra gluten.
  4. Pervert their aesthetic sensibilities so that the Crayola favorite “medium tan” becomes a thing of wonder and awe on a plated entree.
  5. Convince them that the ideal bread toasts very dry and exceedingly hard.
  6. Give them hard little weapons to throw at each other and, if well organized, you!
  7. Grow mold in the pantry because no one will finish the whole wheat ones. [2]
  8. Lower their expectations of what humanity can achieve.
  9. Instill a hatred for everything that goes on English muffins. It’s guilt by association.
  10. Teach them to murder joy.

So do the responsible thing. It’s not for you, it’s for them. And better buy two packs. Six-packs might have cut it in jolly England.

But American muffins go fast.

About the author: Sri hosts The Warrior Poet podcast, a show on the philosophy of leadership based on his experience in the SEAL Teams, at Harvard Business School, on Wall Street, and in tech. Shows every Monday. Follow him on Instagram @sri_the_warrior_poet and @sri_actually.

All the way wet (aka footnotes)

[1] No, dumbass. I’m not advocating eating jam and gravlax at the same time. That’s just morally wrong.

[2] I don’t want to start a new cultural litmus test, so I’ll acknowledge that putting them in the fridge is a reasonable legal stance.

[3] But in case there’s any doubt, they should please all already hate the train.

The only thing worse than Thomas the Train is Caillou.
Sharing this feels like giving plot ideas to terrorists, but some of you have no idea what this scourge is.

Not Siri. Sri (shree'). Navy SEAL, podcaster, machine learning, father. Trying to understand jazz. Trying to find huevos rancheros.

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